Talking waay too much

Ok...here it is in a nutshell...I have NO friends...at all...nope...nada!!  I blame myself, though, for being too standoff-ish.  I always expect people to come to me or if I go to them..I expect them to call me all of the time.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to make the effort as well as them.  I guess I am scared of rejection.  I feel rejected by even a look form those closest to me.  The sighs of frustration...the look of "I can't believe she is that stupid' on the face or just plain silence.  It hurts...really.  I guess I am a glutton for punishment as I still keep quiet about it.  I hate trying to talk about things and I get shut down by the subject being changed or just being told to 'talk to someone'.  I thought I WAS!  I mean..not everyone can afford a psychiatrist so I thought to talk with the one who said she was my bff...well...I WAS her bff until I was rejected for my appearance.  No, she never said it straight to me but it was said that she thought she could get over something and can't...I mean..WTF??  Ok..I am rambling now...UGH!!  Back to what I was saying.  I thought I had a friend in a new person but now I feel as if THAT wasn't allowed as the friendship was shared.  I can't win for losing, I guess.  What do I do, guys?  I try to speak to new people but I feel socially inept too much.  I have NEVER had a best friend to confide in and when I had one.POOF...she was gone!!  That's what happens, I guess, when a person is physically abused and over-protected to keep that abuse a secret.  Hell..I never lost my virginity until I was 20!!  I was too freaking scared to sneak out like my high school classmates did and only lost it after inhaling second-hand smoke from a joint (AFTER the uncontrollable giggling, of course).  I am a short, fat, 40+ woman with freckles, new acne, short, scared of the dentist ( I THINK I have dragon breath but I brush like mad and need stock in Altoids gum...seriously), my hair is thinning due to renewed stress, and I am out of work as well...SIGHS.  I know things will look up but I am my own worst enemy.  SO....rambling complete........I need a friend, confidant, buddy...male or female...straight or not, transgender even, tall, short, thin, thick..I don't care about that crap at all!!    BREATHES OUT SLOWLY.......woooosh......