Happy Easter!!!

This has NOTHING to do with Easter, folks.  I will, however, do as promised.....tell you a bit (read a LOT) bout myself in a crazy story form.  Breathes....
Ok...here it goes....breathes again.  
I was born on a now defunct military base and was moved out of there almost as soon as I could to another state.  All I remember is from pictures so it doesnt count!!  One of my first memoreis was of mother trying to make me learn the telephone number in case I was kidnapped and somehow was able to get to a phone or police.  Even then, the paranoia was ingrained in me.  I remember being yelled at if I missed a number or two.    There was a dog I had, a yellow labrador, mamed Shannon.  She ate EVERYTHING.........even fishheads.  She was our personal garbage disosal even though I am quite sure it was not heatlthy for her when I think back on it.  We all know the effects of cooked chicken bones in a dogs' throat and gut!  I have no idea what happened to her.....I think we had to give her away when we moved again. Hell....I guess there WLL be something about Easter after all!!  I had been given 2 little yellow ducklings for Easter and I named them Jack and Jil....real original names but I liked them!!  THEY disappeared as well......no explanation.....hmmm...  oh well, I had pets, ok?  We lived on a military base in California where my most vivid memories come from.  I remember mom following daddy when she susercted him of cheating.  Sure enough he was.........WITH her best friend!!  We used to spend time with her, her hubby, and 2 sons.  ALL the while she and daddy were fuck-buddies!!  Mom caught them at the army hospital and hit the back of his car....He got out, beat her to her knees, and bloodied them while I warched from the back seat of the car .  NOT a good thing for a little girl to see but I did.  Another time, she stalked him and found his car at her trailor when her husband was out of town and mom raised a RUCKUS in the middle of the night and he has the nerve to yell at her and make her go home while he spent the night with her bff!!  what an ass daddy was then!!  Well...I think that's it for now.until I am read to spill guts again!!

Wow............

HELLO!!!  Now the niceties are out of the way......omg...ISSUES!!   and not even mine....directly.  She's pissed again and closed her bedroom door...again.  I think she has fallen (AGAIN) for another woman who does not share her feelings.  She cannot get her way so she is sulking /having a temper tantrum.  She needs to stop trying to fuck her friends and try to BE a friend with OUT benefits!Her alt is a guy who has 2 fuck-buddies and they both , now, know who he/she is.  So they stay at his sim naked all of the time and fucking most of THAT time.  Yes they chat and play games as well as have fun but come ON.....there IS more out there than those 2 girls!! I mean....she will be lost if they decided to quit the game for many reasons.  She has already fallen for one of them....who just happens to be one of her minions.....a bad thing at one time.  But she will never tell me but I know her like the back of my hand!! We share some of the same faults but I think I am dealing with it in a healthier way.  She is do fucking dominant that she cannot take it if she can't get her way from another person!!   One day she will realize that growing up can be a good thing!!!   Really.....I vow to not let her drain me today......I have been nursing her all week because she is very sick and too damned stubborn to do what the doctor told her to do 'cause it's 'gross'.  She needs a stool sample.....heck, I even volunteered to help!!!....NOPE, no go.  She will have to get it done the easy way......or at the emergency room.  UGH!!!!   TTYL, people!

Blow Up

I blew up last night.  Amazing, huh?  She kept accusing me of having relations with a person and said I was not spending enough time with family.............as if SHE knew.  GROWLS.......   WE play a virtual game and she is in it all of the time when she gets home from work so she and I have very little interaction.  Her liver is acting up and she was taken out of work for a few days so she was on as her main character all day for a change.  After the accusation, I lost it.  I told her to NEVER make such an accusation if she did not have facts to back it up.  Also, I told her that I didn't have to fuck people to be friends with them..Her alternate character is a guy and he is a male-whore.  He fucks them and makes 'friends' afterwards.  Who DOES that?   He has sex with them all of the time and calls them his friends.....pssht...I will be no one's sex toy in that way.  I am worth more.  She is as well but she is pretty good with the role playing as long as she gets to be the dominant one..OK..I am out to look for a job.............AGAIN

It's Saturday and I am bored out of my gourd.....

Today was interesting as I went to a automotive clinic!! It was better than expected, though.  I won a door prize of Mary Kay stuff too!! WHOOP WHOOP!!  After shopping, we came home.  Yes, I said WE.  I must be nuts or something as I still act like I am in love or something....SHOOT ME PLEASE!!  I love her but I am not IN LOVE anymore.  I THINK I know the difference.  (prays that I do)  The thing is that when I love, I do it deeply and completely......there is no KIND OF being in love with me but at the same time, I need acceptance too!  Want or need? Hmmmmm....  I have trouble knowing the difference now because I THOUGHT I needed to be married to be happy but I am sure I was wrong about that.  I allow myself to be pushed to the side and ignored to give others room to be free.  why do I do that crap??  Insecure that if I am too overbearing that I will push them away even after I have been pushed already?.  Perhaps I love too hard or too much or........hell.  I try to focus on others' feelings more than I focus on my own!!  But I also think that I can be selfish in that want, want, want//  We may go out tonight as we have done that last few Saturdays..I plan on letting loose a bit tonight!! Without alcohol as I have not had a drop in a LONG time by choice(another story)  We'll see how it goes~~ wish me luck everyone that I don't make a fool out of my self as there is nothing sadder than an older woman trying to relive her youth....bye for now!!

Talking waay too much

Ok...here it is in a nutshell...I have NO friends...at all...nope...nada!!  I blame myself, though, for being too standoff-ish.  I always expect people to come to me or if I go to them..I expect them to call me all of the time.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to make the effort as well as them.  I guess I am scared of rejection.  I feel rejected by even a look form those closest to me.  The sighs of frustration...the look of "I can't believe she is that stupid' on the face or just plain silence.  It hurts...really.  I guess I am a glutton for punishment as I still keep quiet about it.  I hate trying to talk about things and I get shut down by the subject being changed or just being told to 'talk to someone'.  I thought I WAS!  I mean..not everyone can afford a psychiatrist so I thought to talk with the one who said she was my bff...well...I WAS her bff until I was rejected for my appearance.  No, she never said it straight to me but it was said that she thought she could get over something and can't...I mean..WTF??  Ok..I am rambling now...UGH!!  Back to what I was saying.  I thought I had a friend in a new person but now I feel as if THAT wasn't allowed as the friendship was shared.  I can't win for losing, I guess.  What do I do, guys?  I try to speak to new people but I feel socially inept too much.  I have NEVER had a best friend to confide in and when I had one.POOF...she was gone!!  That's what happens, I guess, when a person is physically abused and over-protected to keep that abuse a secret.  Hell..I never lost my virginity until I was 20!!  I was too freaking scared to sneak out like my high school classmates did and only lost it after inhaling second-hand smoke from a joint (AFTER the uncontrollable giggling, of course).  I am a short, fat, 40+ woman with freckles, new acne, short, scared of the dentist ( I THINK I have dragon breath but I brush like mad and need stock in Altoids gum...seriously), my hair is thinning due to renewed stress, and I am out of work as well...SIGHS.  I know things will look up but I am my own worst enemy.  SO....rambling complete........I need a friend, confidant, buddy...male or female...straight or not, transgender even, tall, short, thin, thick..I don't care about that crap at all!!    BREATHES OUT SLOWLY.......woooosh......

The first of many....I hope

This is my first attempt at writing down my feelings.  I always keep things to myself as I was 'trained' to do growing up.  "Stop talking so much...no one wants to hear what you have to say!"  This was the mantra until I started to clam up at every turn.  Now, as an adult, I find it hard to speak up for myself as I feel as if I am unimportant enough to be heard.  If I speak and the others sighs kind of loudly....I will stop what I was going to say and walk away, if possible.  But this has caused me to feel like I am inferior to others around me.  I hate that part of me but I have to learn to live with it but adjust my outlook on life.  I will try to post daily but if the day goes a bit 'wonky', I may skip a day so please forgive me, in advance to those who choose to follow me.  I have a LOT to say but I don't want your eyes to glaze over so I'll stop now..Love you all and I will 'ttyl' (talk to you later for those who aren't up on certain abbreviations...I am JUST getting them myself!!)